Mikhail Labkovsky is a practicing psychologist with 35 years of experience. All psychological problems described by him in the book are conditionally reduced to three topics: relationships with oneself, with a partner, and with children.

Personality

Neurotics - people with the habit of worrying about inconsequential occasions or no reason at all. Their psyche is imprisoned for discomfort, excitement, anger, resentment. They are used to experiencing constant worries, even if they realize that they do not help solve their problems. Life in their understanding is a series of problems that need to be resolved, as well as unrest that needs to be drowned out.

In Russia, such people are the majority. They live worried about the future, and can hardly cope with the present. Healthy people are also nervous, but, unlike neurotics, they experience real emotions that have significant reasons. They are not inclined to artificially create them.

Mistake number 1: We fear when everything is fine

The causes of our anxiety should be sought in childhood, parental fears and genetics. Among our grandparents there were no those who lived for their pleasure, therefore, for us such a way of life is not natural. It is customary to consider our desires as base or even vicious. They are perceived solely as obstacles to what duty commands, what is needed, what should, what is right, what is necessary.

It also affects the fact that we live in a society of not free people, for whom unhappiness and general depression are commonplace. After all, in Russia it’s even customary to be afraid when it’s good, and there is such a national idea - “you have to pay for good.

Many people made neurotics education. From childhood, academic achievement has been encouraged in us, and no one says that a good education does not guarantee anything, life cannot be built on it. It is even more difficult for those who were an organized child in their childhood and lived according to a schedule drawn up by their parents. Such people in adulthood, as a rule, hardly distinguish their desires from parental or social norms. And even more so, none of the adults tells the children that the meaning of life lies in itself: to enjoy it. No one explains that you can realize yourself in any business to which the soul lies, and this can be not only a profession, but also a family, children.

Hence the problem with desires.

Mistake number 2: We do not know how to want

But there is no need to fall into despair from the fact that the meaning of life, invented by our relatives or society and imposed on us, suddenly stopped working. Instead, try to understand your true desires - learn to want. Believe me, this skill can be acquired at any age, and it will help you become happier.

Start small - try to train your desires. For example, do not sit down for breakfast until you understand what exactly you want to eat.

You should not be guided by motivations such as “I promised”, “it should be so,” “it's high time,” “we agreed.” Only I want to truly motivate you.

The psyche habitually leads you along the path of compromises and fears, and you catch your hand and say: “Stop, what am I doing? I don’t want this! ” And so many times, after which it becomes easier to make decisions.

Try not to listen to anyone but yourself. At first, it will take a lot of effort to live as you want. Over time, you will realize that you can make decisions in your favor and at the same time not to the detriment of someone. You will learn to respect your desires in the same way as strangers, while remaining kind and open to others.

Relationship

The goal of a viable relationship is simple - to be together.But it happens that strong couples abruptly break the connection with each other, and there remains only bewilderment on why this happened.

Mistake # 3: Dependent on unnecessary emotions

Paradoxically, the most common reason for breaking up relationships is the fear of loneliness. When partners are afraid of parting, they hush up problems, do not make comments to each other, and live by the principle “if there was no war”. But the fact is that when we suppress fear, we begin to love less. This feeling inevitably provokes us to neglect, aggression, resentment and a sense of humiliation - favorite emotions of neurotics. It happens that people subconsciously like such conditions, and they cannot live without a constant irritant. Such partners confuse love with dependence on emotions, moreover, painful ones.

If the relationship does not bring joy, if after each meeting there is a feeling of uncertainty and you live in fear that everything may end at any moment, then you like it all. Subconsciously, of course.

Sooner or later, someone alone realizes that he does not need neurotic relationships, and leaves them. And it’s right to give up the desire to be habitually unhappy. Although you need to understand that it makes no sense to break off relations until you have changed and while the partner for you is only a way to solve your internal problems. Be sure that after a while you will find a similar relationship that will end in exactly the same way.

Mistake # 4: Tolerating Relationship Discomfort

With dependence on neurotic relationships should work. At first, you will feel awkward that placing your negative emotions is now simply not in anyone, except in yourself. Then you realize that you had to get rid of emotional dependence, and not from a person. In addition to this, you will probably understand that you broadcast your internal conflicts to your partner - low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with yourself.

The result to which this awareness will lead you is self-sufficiency, that is, the ability to spend time with oneself and love for oneself. When you have these qualities, you will inevitably attract the same person who agrees to enter into a relationship not out of suspicion that he is no longer needed by anyone, but simply because he is well and interested with you.

Mentally healthy people always focus on their feelings and choose themselves. They know that the only period in the life of every person when he can be considered unfree is childhood, with his dependence on his parents. In other cases, we voluntarily decide whether we need a partner. And if he is also mentally healthy, then you both understand that there is no goal for which it is worthwhile to endure something in a relationship. If there is at least slight discomfort, you need to immediately clarify the situation. And you cannot delay this moment, because once the discomfort appears once, it will appear again and will inevitably lead to a conflict that will hurt you.

Children

Happy children grow up only in the same mothers and dads. As long as adults have secret or overt fears, anxieties, or complexes, children are at risk and serve as an ideal target and defenseless victim of parental problems.

Neurotics are not able to control the emotions rolling on them: anger, resentment, disappointment, anxiety, fear - and always transfer them to the one who is always nearby and completely dependent on them - on his child. And they make neurotic out of it.

For example, imagine parents who tell their child how they lived poorly and worked hard for it. When such children grow up, very often they do not want to become parents, because in their understanding parenthood is a constant renunciation of their interests, as well as survival and self-sacrifice.

But you need to understand that this is fixable. It is never too late to break the chain of dislike and lack of freedom that begins right in the womb.Adults may well cope with their anxieties and fears and not transfer them to their children. To do this, you need to discover and recognize in yourself long-standing behavioral problems that negatively affect the life of the child, and then try to eradicate them. Psychologists will help you work with them.

Mistake No. 5: We don’t know why children are needed

One of these problems is a misunderstanding of why children are needed. Not all of us understand that the only healthy reason to give birth to children is to want to have them. Unfortunately, many have children for many other reasons that indicate a desire to solve their problems with the help of the child. Here are three common cases when women who decide to have children act out of neurotic motives:

Ready to give birth exclusively in marriage. If they cannot get married, then they are left without children. Such women see motherhood as a feat or work for which the husband owes her a lifetime. In their understanding, having a baby means doing a favor or a gift to her husband. In adulthood, children of such parents often feel that they are useless, cannot find their place in the world, believe that they are a burden to everyone and do not even suspect that they can be loved just like that.

"Because it should be." A woman follows her idea of ​​what and in what sequence should appear in her life. The child is speculative for her, he only gives the right to consider himself a reality or not be afraid of loneliness. Such mothers require increased attention of the child to themselves and do not understand that he is a separate person. As a rule, such children grow up in extremely insecure and non-self-reliant people, because if the child is constantly patronized, then he does not know how to bear responsibility for their actions.

The child "as a keepsake." Romantic girls who decide to have a baby on this principle perceive it as a souvenir. They did not have a successful relationship, but the hope remained that not everything was lost. Very often then they don’t know how to forget that man when such a vivid reminder is before his eyes. Once the coveted resemblance to the father begins to annoy, and the child hears that he is as moron as his father. The result of this attitude is restlessness and guilt in a child in adulthood.

The decision to have children should not be based on any of these premises, because children can in no way be a tool to solve your problems. Therefore, you should begin to understand yourself, and then think about whether you really want to be a mother.

When children are already born, the problems do not disappear, but only appear and are exacerbated by both partners. So, the father can be bored and even scared at the thought that you need to spend time with the child. For some reason, it is generally accepted in many families that the age of up to a year is not the period when the father of a newborn can be useful in caring for him. In fact, the rituals of paternal participation in caring for a small child should be started as early as possible - this will help to build affection and love.

Being unhappy people, you will not be able to build relationships with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything on purpose.

Among mothers, two main problem types are anxious and guardians. The former inspire the child that the world is a complete danger, the latter want to do everything for the child, and besides taking care of him, they have no other business.

In anxious mothers, children grow up frightened and distrustful. Fear of life impedes their growth and development. Children of mothers who care for themselves in adulthood are helpless, cannot create their own family, because it is difficult for them to separate from their parents and make any decisions on their own. In addition, total control and distrust teach these children to lie.

Parent Tips

1. Try not to overwhelm him with your expectations, but instead ask him more often what he cares about, what kind of relationship he has with friends and the opposite sex.
2. You need to communicate on equal terms, without teaching and not bringing the conversation to conflict.
3. If you punish a child, then do it so that he does not doubt your love.
4. There is no sense in fencing off children by buying toys or paying for school, because they, like you adults, need normal human communication.
5. Putting a book in the hand of a child instead of a tablet is completely useless.
6. In any situation, be on his side.
7. Learn to be silent when the child does not want to tell anything.
8. Know how to refuse firmly, but benevolently.
9. Exclude from your speech educational phrases like “You see!” and "I said!"

Normally, mentally healthy parents are those who respect the individuality in their child and accept it as it is. Such parents are well aware that for the formation of a child's conscious attitude to life, it is necessary to give him a certain freedom. They don’t get obsessed with his food, clothes or studies - they do not so much care, as they communicate and build relationships, watching how a person grows up and forms.